If you ever meet the most beautiful woman imaginable you should blow her off. Beautiful girls are everywhere and cause nothing but suffering; the most beautiful girl imaginable will cause pain and suffering beyond your imagination. She really will be ‘too good to be true’ because she’ll really be Aphrodite, the goddess of love and sexuality. Part of her personality will be to foster that beautiful side of human emotions that people call love. The other part will be the animal desires for procreation, the madness that takes over the mind when people fall in love, it will be uncontrollable and passionate. You wont realize this because you will have slept through your mythology class back in college, you’ll make the mistake of thinking you just got lucky. You’ll even think you’re in charge of the situation, but she’ll be the one who approaches you and pursues you. She wont know that she was once again being manipulated by Zeus, who was fed up with her making him fall for mortals and then having to deal with Hera bitching him out for his infidelity. You wont realize that you are just a pawn in a game, insignificant in all ways other than that you were where you were at that moment.
“I saw you across the room and I just had to come and introduce myself. My name is Ro,” she will say to you through voluptuous lips and perfectly white, straight teeth. Will have a thing about perfect teeth and hers will be the best you have ever seen.
“I’m so-and-so, nice to meet you too. What brings a girl like you out to a bar like this?” you will say to her, wondering how such perfection could be chilling in your favorite back alley dive. She will look like she should be sitting VIP at one of the hottest clubs on the arm of some superstar, not hanging out in a t-shirt and jeans in a dimly lit bar with cheap beer and customers like you.
She will flash her smile at you again, “I heard this was one of the unknown secrets of the city, I didn’t think I was going to enjoy myself when I showed up, but I think I may end up having a great time.”
You will talk for hours in the dim lights of the bar. The flickering of the neon Natural Ice beer advertisement will make her eyes sparkle and dance. You will feel like there was nothing else going around outside of the two of you. You wont hear any noise but her sultry voice and the loud, rhythmic beating of your nervous heart. She will be polite and funny and it will seem effortless. Her plain white t-shirt will cling to her skin as it if were just another part of her anatomy, accentuating her perfect physique. You will have never seen anyone with curves as divine as hers, a feat hard to come by in a city where everyone had a plastic surgeon on speed dial. Her jeans will have a slightly worn appearance to them, not in a dirty way, but in the way that you can tell they are her favorite, most comfortable pair. Time will become a matter for mere mortals, something suspended for you in her presence.
You wont be able wrap my head around such a flawless creature being real, but your mind will never really consider the possibility that she was a true goddess. You’ll wonder if you are really drunk and suffering from a severe case of “beer goggles” but that just wont make sense to you because you will only remember having one Manhattan before she approached you. You drink Manhattans because you think it makes you look suave, it reminds you of the 20s or the 50s (you aren’t so great with history) and that makes you feel classy. You’ll look at Ro and start to think that maybe you are hallucinating. Your brain will run through the possibility that the bartender drugged your cocktail so that his soulless friends could cut out your kidneys to sell on the black market leaving you to wake up in a bathtub of ice at a dirty motel. You’ll have to remind yourself that stories like that are just urban legends and you’ll decide that it had to be karma. You had always tried to be a nice guy, always gave up your seats for pregnant ladies or helped the elderly cross the street, and it was finally coming back to you in the form of Ro. Your sense of reality won’t trust that hypothesis though so you’ll imagine it was some horrible bet that she lost between her and her friends. Your eyes will search the bar to see if there was a group of out-of-place girls laughing at your expense, but there wont seem to be anyone waiting for her to rejoin them.
You’ll really want to bring her back to your apartment, but you won’t make a move because you won’t want to believe she is that type of girl . You’ll decide that she is the kind of woman whom you wine and dine and respect, not your average one-night stand. You’ll call her the next afternoon, invite her out to dinner, and she will agree with an excited tone in her voice. You’ll decide that you’d rather go broke than fail to impress her, so you tell her to dress up because you’re bringing her to one of the fancy reservation-only restaurants on The Strip. You’ll go to church that afternoon like you always do on Sundays and meet up with you mom. You’ll ask her if she could loan you some cash for your big date, she’ll agree because you’re thirty and she wants grandchildren before she dies. You’ll laugh and tell her that she’s only fifty and still in her prime. She’ll tell you that she’ll keep her fingers crossed and pray and all those cliché sayings that people say as if any of it made a difference.
When she walks out of her house you’ll feel like you’re back in kindergarten and having your first crush. “You. . . Look. . . Amazing,” you’ll studder as she smiles and asks you to hold on for just one minute while she grabs her keys. She will be wearing a skintight, bright red dress, with an ornate black belt. You wont realize that the belt is the same one as the night before, and because of this you won’t realize that it isn’t an ordinary belt but rather a magical attribute of hers called the cestus.
She will slowly walk towards you, her hair will flow like a supermodel’s in a photo shoot even though there will be no wind. “You look quite dapper yourself,” she’ll say as the scent of vanilla reaches your senses, “I’m so glad you called, it’s been centuries since I’ve felt this way about a man.” You’ll think she’s just being an exaggerative female, you won’t realize that she’s referring to Anchises, the shepard that Zeus made her fall for in ancient times. Her comment for some reason won’t give her a proper sense of deja-vu, so she won’t realize her feelings are exactly the same because they aren’t real. It will later remind you of when your grandfather loses his glasses and everyone searches his house for them, only to realize they were on the top of his head the entire time- the most obvious things become hidden in the distracted mind.
Dinner will be perfect. It will be the best service you ever receive in your life. The chef will even come out to meet you both and gave you a free dessert for no reason at all. After you eat, you will dance the tango and the waltz on the small dance floor on the first level of the restaurant. Everyone seated within view will stop what they were doing and just watch. You’ll feel like a king, enjoying the stares and the presumption that everyone was envious you. As you let your body feel the music and the passion of her body being so close to yours build up you’ll realize that she reminded me of what you always pictured the Greek goddess Aphrodite to be like. The good Christian that you are will chuckle at such heathen thoughts.
That night, despite your wanting to take things slow and treat her with respect, she somehow ended up back at your place. You’ll blame it on the alcohol and the seductive dancing and the fact that you had never been more attracted to a woman before in your life. The truth will be that you were powerless to her desires and couldn’t have convinced her that it was a bad idea even if you had summoned up the will power to do so.
She will walk in, kick her shoes off, and say, “Which way to the bedroom?”
You’ll feel like a bumbling virgin all over again and not know what to do. She will make it obvious that she wants to skip the games and go right to the main event. You will wondered if you would even be able to perform or if you will thoroughly embarrass yourself. The anxiety of not wanting her to be disappointed will start to creep up inside of you. You will point to the door, “Right in there, the door on the right is the bathroom.”
You will learn first hand that night how much ecstasy the body can experience. You’ll feel like the biggest sinner ever, you’ll wonder if she is a demon, because you won’t be able to understand how someone who seemed so wholesome at first could be such a sexual zealot. You shouldn’t be surprised though, you were sleeping with the goddess who inspired the Kama Sutra and Playboy. You’ll do things that you didn’t even know was possible.
For a month you will see each other. You will be naive in your thinking that are the only one in her life. You will be stupid to think she isn’t married, stupid to not realize that you aren’t her only affair.
He will up on your doorstep one evening on your way to meet Ro. He will be the big, so big that he looks like he could take on the most seasoned NFL lineman, the most talented MMA heavyweight fighter, even the toughest inmate in any given maximum security prison. This will scare you, a lot. You’ll be especially scared because he looks Middle Eastern and you are a bit of a racist who imagines all people from the Middle East are Muslim religious-extremist terrorists. He will look like he is about to suffer a bout of roid-rage. Your heart will begin to pound and your “fight or flight” sensors will start urging you to run like Forrest Gump. He will drink in your figure, “Are you Cal?” he will sneer.
“Yes,” you will whisper back, “who are you?”
“I want you to stay away from my girl,” he will say through gritted teeth, “it’s bad enough I have to deal with her meddlesome husband, I don’t need some puny human stealing her attention away from me.”
You’ll wonder how your Ro could ever be involved with a man who radiated hatred, “I’m sorry, who are you talking about?”
He will lose any collection he had over his emotions and spit at you as he screams, “You know damned well that I’m talking about Aphrodite, you’ve been messing around with her for weeks now and it has to end.”
“Wait, what?” you will stammer, “I just thought her name was Ro, never realized it stood for anything longer, but I’m real sorry man, I didn’t know.”
He will start laughing like you said the stupidest thing he has ever heard, “You didn’t know her real name? Are you telling me that not only is she cheating on me with a human, but an imbecile? Do you really think any mortal could ever look like that? Did you not realize that she was wearing the cestus around you to turn you on? She’s really outdone herself this time!”
You will realize that you should have gone with the “flight” instinct rather than talk with the huge Middle Eastern terrorist man because he looked like he was about to beat you like the filet mignon that Ro ordered on your first date. He will continue to get wrapped up in his rant so you will run back inside your apartment building, into your apartment, lock all the deadbolts, and move the bookshelf in front of the door. Then you will call Ro and leave her a message saying, “I don’t know what the fuck is going on but I don’t need this. Yea, you are incredible in many different ways, but I’m going to follow the advice of that song and find me an ugly woman because at least they can cook. I never felt small like the song says pretty girls do when I was with you, but I definitely felt small just now when your massive other boyfriend just threatened to pummel me. Oh, and by the way, maybe you should stop putting on such a façade because you obviously are just a golddigger and a slut because your charming other play thing just informed me that you are married. I’m going to have to go to church every day now to make up for all the sins you made me commit unknowingly. Didn’t anyone tell you it’s against the Ten Commandments to “covet thy neighbor’s wife,” so thanks for fucking me over on that one. Have a good life and try not to go around and break any more nice guy’s hearts because I didn’t deserve this. Oh, and by the way, don’t bother ever getting in touch with me again. ” You’ll feel slightly better when you hang up the phone, but at the same time you’ll really be hurting because the chemistry between you and her had been so great. Twenty minutes after you leave your voicemail there will be a loud pounding at your door. You will be scared the terrorist had figured out which apartment was yours but you‘ll chance it and look out the peephole. You’ll see Ro standing there and think that it would be safe to let her in.
She will burst through the door once you unlock it and shove a tiny bundle into your arms, “Take this you ungrateful bastard. I give you attention, I bless your life by being a part of it and watching out for you, and you pay me back by breaking up with me in a voicemail. I don’t think you understand what you are doing, nobody breaks up with me, I’m the goddess of love, I decide when it is over!”
In her anger she will only look more beautiful, though it won’t be something to appreciate, it will be a frightening form of beauty, something you will want to shield your eyes from, like how the most colorful frogs are always the most poisonous. That’s when the bundle will start to wiggle, “What the?” You will start to unwrap it, you’ll wonder if she bought you a puppy because you had told her you really wanted one, and then you won’t believe what are really holding, “Ro, why did you give me a baby girl?”
An evil smirk will grow across her face, “I was going to give you her as a farewell gift tonight. Ares has grown uneasy in my absence, and I’ve started to grow tired of you, but now I want you to accept our daughter to raise as a curse.”
You won’t like how she emphasized the word curse, “Our daughter? Curse? Goddess of Love? Ares? Are you on something Ro, what the fuck are you talking about? Don’t tell me you kidnapped this child, please.” You will start to see why she would be with the terrorist, she was obviously crazy.
“Well, as my child, she would have been beautiful to begin with,” she will respond in a callous tone, “but now she is going to be entirely irresistible. You won’t be able to trust anyone with her, she’s going to be promiscuous and it’s going to cause you a life full of hardships. No woman will want you once they see her because they will know intimidated by your past and will never feel confident enough to take my place in the two of your lives.”
You will look back at the child in your arms, an odd sense of belonging will come over you. You will feel the truth in her words, that is your child and you will know that no matter what you would take care of her. When your eyes move back up to speak to Ro again, she will have vanished. You’ll start to really let the information sink in and that will make you start to feel like you are losing it. You will wonder how a baby could have been born in a month. You’ll panic that you will do something wrong and hurt the infant. You will start to wonder how you could support her and how you are even supposed to take care of her. You’ll also start to wonder if maybe Ro really is a demon and if she is then you will have to find out if your daughter could be exorcised or if you would have to murder her. The thought of killing the innocent soul in your arms will disgust you so then you will wonder if Ro really is the Aphrodite, and if she is what would that do to your faith in God. You will start to feel sick from being so overwhelmed so you will decide to take it one step at a time and get on the internet to start doing some research about babies and Greek mythology.
You’ll think that you have received your punishment in the child and you will falsely assume that Ro is out of your life forever. The next day though you will learn that strapping you with a baby wasn’t a big enough punishment for trying to break up with the goddess of love and desire, but rather that it was only the first of many repercussions for your actions. You will rapidly learn that pissing off a female whom even the gods lust after is the stupidest thing you can do.
Hephaestus will be the first to attack you. You will wake up the next morning with all the electrical devices in your house going haywire. They will all have been somehow altered so that they had feet of sorts and will be tearing your house apart. The microvave will be popping all your popcorn and loading it into the vacuum which will be working in reverse to distribute Pop-Secret Movie Theater popcorn and dust and whatnot deep into your carpets. Your blender will be blending up all the books from your bookshelf. Your lamps will be shadless and working on heating up the window treatments to start a fire. You will realize just how many electrical devices you own and will start jumping on everything you can get to and doing whatever it takes to stop the destruction. Disabling everything will take forever and exhausted you. You will habe been up and down all night with the baby and you will decide that it was time to take a nap once you finish. You will walk back into your bedroom to set the alarm clock. When you touch it, it will go off, “My wife told me how you seduced her, take this as your only warning, next time I wont be so nice.” It will be really weird, the voice will come out as a booming cacophony of sounds turned into words- think Peter Frampton’s guitar from Do You Feel Like We Do but very unpleasant as it will be made from the ringing beeps of an alarm clocks . You will immediately throw the clock away and just set the alarm on your phone. I will lie down in bed, really needing an hour or so to rest when, out of nowhere, a net will start forming around your bed. Needles will spring out of the ceiling and fly down to the mattress where they will start sewing themselves together in an intricate and advanced pattern. You will remember that Hephaestus had done the same thing to Aphrodite and Ares in the mythology and will smile at your ingenious idea to have googled Aphrodite the previous night. Unlike the mythological story, the net in your apartment will be made of normal sewing thread so you will be able to escape being trapped. Unfortunately for you though, the net will continue to form and you’ll decide it’s safest to sleep on the couch because you don’t know if it would reform if you tried to take it down.
The next god that will help Aphrodite will be one that you had already met- Ares. He will have found out about the baby and be less than happy. He is the god of blood lust and will use his powers to make the world very dangerous for you. Basically, anywhere you go somebody will try to fight you. The first time you try to venture out of your house you will think that you just were at the wrong place at the wrong time, but very soon you will remember that Ares can influence people to hate and you will assume that he was trying to deal with you without personally dealing with you. You will be very appreciative of that, but after receiving a black eye from somebody’s grandmother who ran up you me wailing, “You son of a bitch, you son of a bitch,” so you will decide it’s just best to stay alone in your apartment.
Aphrodite won’t be okay with you hiding in your house and will decid to make your life all the more miserable. You will be buying things you and the baby need online and working via email. Everything will appear fine for a day or so and then you will notice that your emails weren’t sending. When you sneak out to check the mail you won’t have anything even though you had ordered plenty of things for the baby like diapers and formula and a crib and so on. Finally, you will receive an email saying, “Nobody insults Aphrodite, nobody! See how easy it is for me to mess with your life? I haven’t played a good trick on anyone lately, you do anything more to upset our beloved and I will play an epic one on you. -Hermes” As you look up from your computer, you will see all the boxes of things that you had purchased for your daughter piled up in front of you. You will guess the goddess didn’t want her child to suffer and that was the only reason the packages showed up.
Your final issue will come from the king of the gods himself. Right after you unpack all of the baby furniture and toys and clothes a horrible storm will hit the city. It will turn out that there was no storm anywhere in the city, which means a terrible storm will hit just your apartment and make the cable and power go out. The lightning will draw pictures of horrible creatures on the walls when it strikes, creatures you will remember reading about online but whose names you won’t recall. You wont have candles and the batteries in your flashlight will be dead so you and the infant will have to sit there in the dark and watch these being appear on and off your walls. It will seem like days have gone by before the storm will start to calm down. Then, in the thunder, a booming voice came out to you, “You have been warned by the king of the gods, by the destroyer of Cronus, by the almighty Zeus, do not be foolish and think our power is gone, do not think that you can put any of us down. You are but an insignificant blink of an eye for us, repent for your ways, or be doomed for the span of your small life to be in our bad graces.”
For such an insignificant being you will feel that Aphrodite and all her consorts were starting a pretty big fuss, but you would decide not to risk living forever in that manner. You will pick up your daughter, give her a kiss on the forehead, and raise her like Simba from the Lion King, “Aphrodite, hear me now. I lift the most beautiful baby alive in your honor, honor of the mother who produced such a perfect creature. I have chosen a name for her, a name that will honor you every day she breaths. She will be Ro Helen Brooks. Ro, from the name I knew you by. Helen for the name of the woman you deemed most beautiful among mortals thousands of years ago. Please accept my apologies for having ever offended you, for having ever thought you to be a mortal when you were so clearly something much more special than any of us could dream to be. I pledge to bring her up following the old ways of devotion to you and your kin. I’ll devote my life to learning and teaching all I can about you and the other deities of Olympus. Please forgive me for now and smite me if I ever fall in your bad graces again.”
Then you will sit waiting to see if she will accept your offering.
You will wake up in a bright room, your arms and legs tied up and Ro will be approaching you wearing scrubs and holding two tiny plastic cups, “Good morning Mr. Brooks, Time for your medication. Please do me a favor and be good today, I hate when my patients have to be sedated and restrained”
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